Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The day before surgery at the hotel

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Getting close...

Stayed up late last night to iron 2 and a half weeks worth of outfits for my hubby. Ended up just ironing everything he owns so he's good to go for a month now. I am making home made potato soup with hot italian sausage and kale, pasta salad, pinto beans and corn bread (a fav of his) and hamburger helper. The man loves leftovers! I have the house rediculously clean. All laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc are all clean. All I have to do is cook, and I need to get 2 links taken out of my medical alert bracelet.. its huge. I am trying to watch as many show as possible to clean off my DVR.
There I said it. I am already starting to mourn food. I am having my hubby grill me a steak tonite and I am having red skin potatoes and something else.. can't decide. Tomorrow is liquids and antibiotics that will make me majorly ill. I will be sitting in a beautiful hotel and will probably be unhappy. I am glad of my decision, just aware that I will feel very ill. Part of me panics thinking about my hubby dropping me off, I know it is right (he would be in pain watching me go through this) and I will have my Mom there. It's just so huge, it is huge to know that my relationship with food is gonna be different for the rest of my life. i am only 28 so concievably I will live with this decision for 50 or more years. I want the results, i am gonna have to accept the method. I have studied, planned, gotten ready, and still this is feeling like it is all coming so fast. I am ok, I can do this. I will be glad I did this. So why is my heart pounding???

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hello to my friends at

Wow, what do i say? My frinds at Dailystrength .org really are important to me, as are all my friends. I also enjoyed showing off the flower from the Hibiscus trees my hubby planted for me.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Medical Alert Bracelets and stuff

Friday, October 26, 2007

An intense conversation.... a new beginning

I had a pretty intense conversation last night. I was trying to call and Aunt of mine to chat. What I got was my cousin, a guy who is my same age and was very close to me when I was young. It is no secret on here that I was raped when I was 7 (I am part of the sexual abuse group)(This on my support group site This male cousin I was speaking to is the half-brother of the cousin who raped me. I started talking to him about life, I had not been close to him since I was a kid, I have often avoided going to Ohio where my father's family lives. I told him that if his brother ever said so much as hi to me that I was gonna punch him in the mouth. He said he understood and told me of how he saw what happened to me and how it messed him up. He said he saw his brother who was 13 or 14 at the time take me into the cornfield behind my Grandmother and Grandfather's home. When my older cousin came out of the field my male cousin who is my age said he asked his brother "what are you doing? she is our cousin!" This was a major thing to me. I have vivid memories of what happened, but as the years go by I wondered if I imagined it.... but here it was PROOF that it happened and a witness. I now know that what happened to me created 2 victims. My cousin who is my age went on to have his first child when he was 16. When people are exposed to sex too early a lot can happen, it writes on the slate of who they are. I am only 6 days from surgery and I feel like this is all coming together.. I found out some other shocking things of which I won't speak, but it seems to me that the thing that has caused me to build this armour of fat and flesh around me is getting healed and I feel I will have success not only because of the surgery, but also because I have no reason to be afraid anymore. I no longer have to feed that anger, feed that sadness, feed that fear. I can eat to live, not live to eat.



Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Time is going by fast...

Wow, exactly 1 week from now I will be on my last hour of being able to drink clear liquids. I will be in a hotel room across from the hospital. My husband is very squeemish and prone to fainting when he sees needles or anything medical. I am having him drop me off at the hotel and going home. I want it this way. I am staying the night with my Mom in the hotel and checking into the hospital the next morning at 5:30am. They said I will get an IV and then "I don't care" medicine to keep me calm. I expect to be in the hospital 3 days and then I am going home to my Mom's place for up to 2 weeks while I recooperate. I am really glad to do it this way. I want my husband to not be worried about me, and if I went home to my house I would be alone a lot while my husband is at work. I am really excited. The last time I stayed at my Mom's house to recouperate I was 19 and had all my wisdom teeth taken out. My Mom took such good care of me that all I remember about that time is that it was positive. I am ready. I feel like everyday is getting faster and faster. I have 1 more massage tomorrow it is 2 hours long then I am driving back to my home. I am in Georgia right now staying with my brother. Then it will be Friday, gonna clean my house to get ready to leave town. I also need to clean off my DVR and make sure I don't lose shows I want to see. The wekend always flies by, I get to hang with my hubby. Then Monday and Tuesday will go fast and then Wednesday (Halloween) I will go to Atlanta to check into the hotel and start taking the antibiotics the surgeon gave me. The bowel prep is several pills taken at Noon, 5pm, and 10pm. According to 3 patients in the waiting room Tuesday I will be violently ill taking these on a stomach only able to drink clear liquids. FUN. I have to stop drinking liquids at midnight and then i will wake up get the surgery and not be allowed to drink till the next day. I don't know how I will be able to go 24 hours with out drinking. Then the day after surgery they will give me 4oz of some liquid that has been described as 10 times worse than dimetapp. This will be used with some machine to see if my new pouch is leaking. I get a pain pump when they do the surgery. That makes me feel good to know that I won't get stuck in pain if a nurse wanders away or something. The hospital I am going to has a Bariatric ward, all rooms are private. There will be a sleeper chair for my Mom.

I love staying at my Mom's house. I feel relaxed there. I will be able to take it easy. If I were home I would try to clean or do stuff. At my Mom's I will feel free to take it easy. Well thats all for now.. catch ya'll later!

Skinny Fantasies 2

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Rascal Flatts Concert

Went to a Rascal Flatts concert last night. I was relieved that I had and aisle seat. The seats were small. All I could think was I wish I had already lost the weight. I felt huge. I also think that having neon pink hair is an interesting choice for someone who feels like they are being watched too closely. Everyone around me was small and wearing cute little dresses with cowboy boots and hats. My seat neighbors showed up in the middle of the opening act Kellie Pickler. They were really slim and cute dressed to kill and after a few songs went off somewhere for the rest of the show. I was on the balcony and everyone was sitting, and they were standing and dancing so i think they left so they wouldn't block the views of people behind them. Part of me believes (and I know it is wrong) that they didn't want to sit next to me. They did talk to me a little bit so I am probably being paranoid. I unfortunately was raised by a sarcastic negative father so I usually fear for the worst I hate to say. I try really hard to be positive, but my inner speech is so angry and negative sometimes. I am working on it.

Just a pic of me and my sweet hubby

I love this picture... I can see the lovehe has and the joy he brings me

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Skinny Fantasies

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Clothes I bought but could not wear

I love Dailystrength!!

DailyStrength - Free Online Support Groups

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Date Change.. No big deal!

So I spoke to the Dr's office and they couldn't get me in October 29th, they made my Surgery date Nov 1 at 7:30 am. I have to be there and check in at 5:30am. Whew! I will probably need the sleep come 7:30am LOL. Anyways everything has fallen into place, I have an appointment next Tuesday on the 23rd to meet with the surgeon and then the anestesiologist. I live in SC but am having the surgery in Atlanta and I was going to drive through Atlanta on that day anyway so it was perfect timing!!! I am very excited. I don't even mind the change in date. My Mother is taking care of me after surgery, she is taking me home with her for recovery. She said my hubby can drop me off with her and leave and she will take care of everything. He is very squeemish and kinda illness phobic so it is best he don't see me suffer. So everything is in place. I hope the time goes by quickly.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Finally!!! The day is here!!


I just checked the insurance website and I am approved. I am waiting for the phone call from the surgeons office to get my date!

Monday, October 15, 2007

The easy way out

My Best friend Jeff and I talking about my videos and how I am taking the easy way out

The Wait finally begins!!

Went to recently to join and found out I joined back on 7-1-04. It kind of hit me that I have thought about this for a long time, I am glad I have the means and the guts to now. Kinda gets me chocked up to remember where I was then and where I am now.. sobering

Friday, October 12, 2007

Good News Update!!


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Liquid diet Day #3

End of day 3.. I am about to go to bed, I made it another day.. I was perfect, no cheating. I did 3 massages in a row and I got really hungry because I went like 7 hours between lunch and dinner. I am at my brother's place because I stay here when I do massage in GA. I always do wing night with my bro on wednesday night and he is such a broke college student I know he looks forward to it, so I went starving to death to pick up wings for him before I went home and had dinner. Needless to say I was half out of my mind and I ALMOST cheated, I was so half crazed I didn't even care. I made my brother take them in his room and made my dinner and soon calmed down. I didn't cheat. My pants are getting super loose. I can't wait to weigh on Friday morning. I also go out to eat with an old friend when I am in town (I am in town every other week) , but not this time. I am going to go see a movie instead of eating out. Wow this is hard. It is mentally hard, not physically. I am well nurished, just my mind is screaming for food. I am doing this literally 1 Day at a time. It is kinda like that saying about eating an elephant.. how do you do it? 1 bite at a time. I feel like this is like eating an elephant. If I think too long term, it feels impossible. But day by day I am getting it done.

Liquid diet Day #3

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Liquid diet is working!!!

I know I shouldn't get on the scale everyday, but I weighed myself yesterday before I started the liquid diet and i was 303.4lb and i couldn't resist getting on this morning and i was 298.4 I don't know how.. but there it is. I am back in the 200's and I am not looking back. I am now exited to do my liquid diet today. I know I will need to get my mind right about this each day and this is my motivation for today...

Monday, October 8, 2007

Liquid diet Day #1

Honey, I am sitting here so nauceous I could cry. I had a protein shake for breakfast, Diet Orange juice (5 cal per serv) and some other juice, and coffee. I am nauceous because i usually take my pills with food, and they are doing a awful conga in my tummy. I am having cream of chicken soup tonite, hopefully that will cheer me up. I am doing my own kind of liquid diet because the sugeon does not require me to. I want to lose back some of the weight i have gained while getting ready for surgery. I hope you are feeling better than me.. I know it will get better. i should have took my pills with the shake instead of the coffee and juice. I have 3 prescirption pills to take along with the calcium citrate, B12, multivitamin, and biotin. I just want to gag thinking about it. Carrabas was a dream... now on to reality..

Liquid diet Prep

So yeah, I am doing it. I went to Carrabas for lunch and got the Sirloin Marsala and garlic mashed potatoes. I took home half of it and some lentil soup and had that for dinner... so damn good. Well enough of that. New day tomorrow. I am afraid and excited all at the same time. I just posted a video blog on youtube about it. I hope to meet a lot of people and help some too.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Liquid diet decision

Yeah, so I was watching a show that is on Discovery Health Channel and it is "Big Medicine" and it is about a father/son team of gastric bypass surgeons. They had this 450 pound guy on and he went on a 3 month liquid diet prior to surgery. They showed his liver while they did the surgery and they said it was nice and small and staying out of the way while they did the surgery. I heard this is why a lot of doctors require a liquid diet at least a week or 2 before surgery. I don't have to, but I am starting a liquid diet Monday. I have been gaining weight quickly due to "last supper syndrome" and because I am on a injectable immune system depressant which is making me swell. I feel that if I am gonna wait.. I will at least have something I can focus on to feel more connected to the experience of gastric bypass surgery. I will find out my insurance decision no later than Wednesday, and then it will be less than a month to surgery. I think this is gonna improve my outcome. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I am still here...

I have been doing video blogs on the other website I go to but it has made me a little lazy here so I am back. I fought the urge to call the insurance company today. I am going to call tomorrow. I have a Neurologist appointment tomorrow because of my carpal tunnel, I have a Chiropractic appointment and then I am going to go pick up a miniature daschund puppy. I have a miniature daschund already, and I let him breed with another miniature daschund and she had 5 puppies and the owner is giving me one. I am giving this puppy to my Mother. I have been watching a lot of Discovery Health Channel. They have a bunch of shows on gastric bypass. I like "Big Medicine" and it has kinda inspired me. I have gained a good bit since i decided to get Gastric bypass... kinda last supper syndrome in hyper drive. This one guy was 450 pounds and they put him on a 3 month liquid diet so he could lose a little weight and shrink the liver for surgery. I have been getting uncomfortably big and I think it is time I try a liquid diet too. My surgery is gonna be in about 1 month so I think that won't be too bad. My surgeon doesn't require this. I don't have to do a liquid diet except the day before, but I think i can do better. I am gonna do a little research and see if i can't figure out how to do this.. any advice would be helpful

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.

You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.

Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.

All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

Simple success...

YEAH!!!! i just got off the phone with the insurance company and they finally got my packet from the surgeon's office!!! I know that this is silly to be happy that a person finally figured out 80's technology in order to send in my packet, but they have been trying to send it since tuesday last week. I know that the real excitement will be when they approve my surgery. I must not be too cocky, or get ahead of myself. I may still be in for some trouble if the insurance company wants me to do other things.. but hell I have a 45.6 BMI who could turn me down? I have sleep apnea for crying out loud! I am happy, now i know that my waiting is actually really beginning.... Cross your fingers guys and gals...

Ok with being alone...

So basically found out that my info packet for the insurance company never made it. It was in a long line of faxes and was never sent. I have a great surgeon and i love the girls in that office, but I am so frusterated. Basically this fiasco added a week to my wait to get my date, and ultimately my surgery. They say if we can get my approval this week I will most likely be in surgery Nov 1st. I am getting my hope back. I was so miserable after the dentist today. I layed down at 4pm and woke up at 7:30pm I was finally not numb. I was exhasted and loppy and thought I would go to bed early, but I started feeling better and started getting some cleaning done. This saturday is Family Day at Joel's work and I must get the house ready for my father-in-law and my Mom. I am getting stuff done that I have put off forever. I feel good about it. I found this rebate i should have sent in 6 months ago but had not expired. I sent it in today. It is $80 so I am glad I did it. Joel is coming home tommorrow. I will pick him up at the airport at 8pm. I hate to admit i have enjoyed being alone. I LOVE being with him, we are very close and are very affectionate. I think it is good that I was comfortable alone because in the past I have been unhappy by myslef and I think it is a good sign that I am ok alone. I am excited to have him back though. Well bedtime! Hope all my friends are doing well.


Just got back from the dentist, he did my front top teeth, and I am so miserably numb. I am gonna have some cream of chicken soup and go lay down. I hate being numb so i usually sleep it off... will write again soon...

Monday, October 1, 2007

Back to water aerobics.. hooray

So I got my lazy booty out of bed this morning after hitting snooze twice and I put on my bathing suit and drug myself to the gym to do water aerobics. I used to go alot before 2 months ago and everyone was glad to see me and they had wondered where I went... I saw that one lady that gave me heck about wanting the Bypass and she started in on me again wanting me to go to some seminar on the Halleluiah diet. And she tried to bully me into going to her church this weekend. She got it in her head that I had told her I was an athiest and I have never in my life said that. I informed her that I was a Christian thankyou and told her about my extensive past in church and how I wasn't going to hell. I also explained that I don't go to church much , but when I do I go to a unitarian church because they respect all religions and don't press me into their beliefs. If someone has a religion I respect it and don't try to persuade them, thats just me. Well I had fun and I think I will get back into the swing of things again. I want to get fitter before the surgery so I have a little momentum for after surgery to keep it up and exercise. Otherwise I cleaned some more..